If I Thought It Through
by Fade131
Summary: AU - Julia escapes to Callisto in the hopes that her absence will stop the fighting between Vicious and Spike. While she is there, she thinks about her choices, and wonders if they were really mistakes. ABANDONED
1. Sweet Surrender

If I Thought It Through… by Fade131

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop and I don't own the song. I have a Vicious shirt, though.

Summary: Julia escapes to Callisto again after Spike and Vicious fight and thinks over her life, the choices she's made, and the people she's neglected.

Author's Notes: This story is AU. I apologize if anyone is OOC, I don't mean for them to be. This takes place after the show— no one is dead. No one – that includes Gren. That way, it makes things much easier for me. So they are all alive.

Chapter 1: Sweet Surrender

Julia pushed her hair back behind her ear, only to have it fall softly across her face again. She sighed, giving in to the wind as the snow pelted her back, the cold easily seeping through the coat she wore to chill her even more. It was not proper winter attire – not that it was ever anything but winter on Callisto. She needed to think…needed to remember…needed to forget, as well.

The bar was open, as it always had been; warm, as it always had been. The bartender smiled when he saw her, nodding to the empty stool.

"We saved your seat, Miss Julia, just in case you ever came back."

"Thank you…" She slid onto the metal barstool, still cold, even in the relative warmth of the bar. "I'll have my usual, please…any entertainment today?" It was the bartender's turn to sigh, placing her drink in front of her. "Well, Miss Julia…I do believe your friend Gren is supposed to play tonight."

Julia smiled and took a sip of her drink. "I'll like that…I've missed him." The bartender looked up. "Then I hope he shows, Miss Julia, if it'll keep that smile on your face."

She laughed and nodded in agreement, took another sip of her drink, and fell into her thoughts. Spike and Vicious would look for her, she knew. Or at least…Spike would look. Someone would look for her. But…she had to leave. If she had stayed they would've killed each other, so leaving gave them no one to fight over anymore. This brought her back to what she had been thinking about ever since she left. Had she made the right decision? Had she been right to say no to Spike? He knew she loved him. Vicious knew, too…but she loved Vicious almost as much. She was afraid of loosing either of them. Afraid they'd kill each other and leave her all alone. Perhaps that was why she had left. To give up on them before she lost them. To go through the pain while knowing they were both safe, both alive…both in love with her.

She wanted so badly for the chance to tell Spike what she really felt…that she had made a mistake. She was sure of it. If it hadn't been a mistake, then why had every moment since then been filled with pain, this unending ache in her heart that told her she was wrong to let him go. She should have gone with him, should have loved him. But, another part of her countered, what of Vicious? Could she truly say that she would've been able to leave him? And if she had, wouldn't he have hunted them down, killed them? Killed Spike? Could she have let that happen?

No, she couldn't have. She couldn't have faced the possibility of Spike dying. Even if she left him, he was still alive, and then it was still possible that they could have their happy ending, that they could be in love. And Vicious…did she think that this pain would've gone away if she had gone with Spike? Or wouldn't it have just been different, a different ache…wouldn't she have simply wished she'd stayed instead? No. She would've been with Spike. Where, in her heart, she knew she belonged. She wanted to be with Spike, wanted to know he loved her, he cared for her, he needed her, he would be with her forever…but she wasn't.

She was on Callisto, in a run-down bar, two degrees from freezing, praying that no one would notice this beautiful, sad woman on the street and decide to take advantage of her. Of course, she could take care of herself, she had a gun, but…men were difficult, when they were desperate enough. The bartender refilled her drink, and Gren came on the stage with his saxophone and began to play, not noticing Julia.

She repressed the urge to cry, pushing back the tears…she wouldn't cry for Spike, not any more. It was over. If they couldn't stop, if this fighting wouldn't end…then neither one of them could have her. That was just how it was going to have to be. She would not dwell on this heartbreak any more. She couldn't change the past; she couldn't make everything work out in the end, because she wasn't sure how it was supposed to end. She didn't know if she was supposed to be like the princess locked in the tower, saved by the handsome prince…or if she was to live the life of the beautiful consort of the corrupt dictator of some third-world country…these roles seemed so similar to her life. Spike was her Prince Charming, coming to save her from the evil that had locked her away…Vicious was her ruler, strong and handsome and totally in control…and she wasn't sure which was worse.

She didn't want to be protected or saved or in love of heartbroken or alone or anything, really. She wanted to be Julia, herself…and if she could do that with someone else, without it ending in death and pain, then that was all right. But she didn't think she could do that with Vicious. Spike would try; he always tried, he wanted her to be happy…but she didn't think—

"Julia. Would you like me to play your song?" She looked up, startled, to meet bluer-than-blue eyes. Gren smiled down at her, offering a hand to help her off the stool.

"No, Gren…not tonight…I want…I want something I can sing to. Would that be all right?" Laughing, Gren nodded. She whispered the name of the song in his ear before he led her onto the stage, to the microphone. Trembling just a little as everyone turned to look at her, Julia closed her eyes and began to sing.

_It doesn't mean much  
It doesn't mean anything at all  
The life I've left behind me  
Is a cold room  
I've crossed the last line   
From where I can't return  
Where every step I took in faith   
Betrayed me  
And led me from my home _

It dawned on her, finally; she had left Spike. He wouldn't chase her through the stars, that wasn't something he did. He would go back to his life, and wait for their paths to cross again. She realized then that she wanted them to, very much.

_And sweet  
Sweet surrender  
Is all that I have to give_

She wanted to be with Spike, wanted to here him say he loved her, wanted to feel his arms around her, his lips on hers, his heartbeat against her chest…anything less was not an option.

_You take me in  
No questions asked  
You strip away the ugliness   
That surrounds me  
Are you an angel  
Am I already that gone   
I only hope  
That I won't disappoint you  
When I'm down here  
On my knees  
_

So all she had to do…was make sure they found each other again, without Vicious knowing. If he found out, she would never have her happy ending. She would have her chance, she decided; there would be a day when she could tell Spike that she loved him, always and forever.

_And sweet  
Sweet  
Sweet surrender  
Is all that I have to give_

But how could she do that? How could she know that this pain was for Spike, and not for Vicious? Or even…was she simply sorry for herself? Sorry that she was alone again? No…she loved him…

_Sweet   
Sweet  
Sweet surrender  
Is all that I have to give_

The bar was silent except for the sound of her voice and the sad peal of the saxophone behind her. No one in the bar dared to interrupt the song – it seemed to be hypnotizing them; the song and the beautiful woman singing it held them in thrall.

_And I don't understand  
By the touch of your hand  
I would be the one to fall_

She had to suppress the sudden urge to laugh at these lyrics – she had known, the moment Spike looked at her, that her life had changed forever. This man, her heart had told her, _this_ man is what you wanted, what you needed, what you thought you were getting.

_I miss the little things  
Oh I miss everything_

So she fell for him…and now she missed him, terribly. The way he talked, the way he walked, the way he kissed…the way he always seemed to know what was bothering her, the sound of his voice, asking her to sing for him. So she did.

_It doesn't mean much  
It doesn't mean anything at all  
The life I left behind me  
Is a cold room._

The song ended slowly, and she gave a little bow to her rapt audience before hurrying off the stage and back to her drink. Gren was packing up his saxophone. She quickly paid the bartender, blushing slightly when he complemented her voice.

Someone caught her arm before she got out the door. She turned, startled, other hand reaching into her coat, but Gren's smile stopped her and she sighed in relief.

"Julia, do you have somewhere to stay?" Her mouth dropped open; Gren continued to look at her calmly. He knew she had nowhere to go, she had hurried away without plans or enough money to do more than get her here. She hesitated, unsure…but Gren was her friend, he wouldn't hurt her.

"No…I don't, Gren." He offered her his arm, eyes twinkling with laughter. "Then you shall stay with me. We can't have you wandering about alone; God only knows what would happen to you then." Sighing softly, Julia allowed herself to be led to Gren's apartment. It was warm there.

After they had both showered (Gren had loaned her an extra pair of pajamas) and eaten (Julia cooked their dinner) they sat down on the couch to talk.

"You know, Julia, I could've made dinner."

"You, know, Gren, I have to repay you somehow."

"Then sing tomorrow."

"What?"

"Do you know another song? Sing tomorrow, while I play. They pay better for a vocal performance."

"I'll think about it…"

"Why are you here, Julia?"

She paused, eyes growing sad. "…I had to get away."

"…from?"

"Everything! Everyone…I…they were fighting…I don't like it when they fight…I always know it will end badly…"

"Julia…which one of them do you love?"

"I love them both!"

"You know what I mean."

Julia froze, wide eyed and staring. He meant, which one did she love more? Which one would she give up everything and everyone to be with? "I…I don't know…" she lied slowly. "I need to think about it…"

Gren smiled, a sad smile almost identical to hers. "Then I think you should get some sleep, and tell me in the morning."

She nodded. When he got up to leave, though, she caught his arm. "Gren…I don't think…I can't sleep…alone…" He pulled her to her feet and led her to his room. When they had laid down and she seemed comfortable, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. She hugged him back, gently. "You okay?"

Her arms tightened around him a little. "Yes…thank you…" She could hear the smile in his voice. "You're welcome, Julia…good night."

She fell asleep there, in his arms, pretending they belonged to someone else, and in her mind his soft lavender scent was replaced with a different one, of vanilla and cookie dough and cigarettes and metal, and in her mind it was Spike holding her as she slept, Spike who kept her fears at bay.

Fade: Well…I'm actually rather pleased with how that turned out. That was how I intended it to end. It didn't do what it wanted, for a change! Yay! Oh, and it isn't Gren and Julia, if anyone was confused. Gren is just a sweetheart and knows how to take care of her. That's all. Okay, if I get enough positive feedback I will write more. So press the button and review like a good little reader!!! Ja bye-bye!!!!


	2. Goodbye Love or Love Song

If I Thought It Through… by Fade131

Disclaimer: Don't own the people or the song or anything…

Author's Notes: Okay, here is chapter 2…stupid people making me write more…I kind of figured out how I'm going to do this, so there will be more chapters after this one. I hope you like it.

O.o Chapter 2: Goodbye Love / Love Song o.O

Julia had come to a realization. She was walking down the road to the Blue Crow, just one step behind Gren, wearing a proper coat for the cold weather of Callisto. Her mind had been relatively blank as they walked, for which she was more than thankful, considering her train of thought since she had returned a month ago. They were almost to the bar, where she would sing yet another song to the slow background of the saxophone. But this song would be different.

It had to do with her sudden insight. Call it an epiphany, if you will…Julia had spent a whole month trying to figure out a way for her to get what she wanted and be happy, but…it wasn't going to happen. All she had left to do was to let go. That was what she had discovered; if she let him go, let it _all_ go…then she would be all right.

Julia was thinking that if she kept wondering if he was okay, if he missed her, if he loved her, if he was looking for her…she would never get anywhere. She had to move on, just like he would and had in the past. If their paths crossed again…no, she wasn't going to get her hopes up. That wasn't what today was for. Today…she would let go.

"Julia…are you all right?"

"Hm? Oh…yes, I'm fine, Gren…just a little lost in thought, that's all."

"Are you going to take requests today?"

Julia almost laughed. She had started taking one or two requests for songs from the regular bar patrons – and the ever-growing crowd that came to see her sing – and had met more than one obstacle. The incidents would have all been rather funny, if they hadn't all ended with someone getting a black eye. "I might take one…if someone can come up with a proper song."

"I wouldn't count on it."

Julia smiled and followed him into the bar, quickly observing her surroundings, even though she knew the place by heart. There were the regulars, at the bar and the table in the corner; then the new-comers, informed of her presence by various channels because, of course, having a woman on Callisto was a very novel idea. There was one figure, in the very back corner, which she had not seen before in the Blue Crow, but somehow seemed familiar…but he exuded the air of one who is completely and utterly unimportant, and she soon forgot his presence entirely.

She would have to go through with it, letting go, she thought unsteadily. She had informed Gren already of the song she wanted to sing, so there was no backing out now, no matter how much she wished she could. She had to let it all go and be free of it – of him. That was all there was left to do. So, only trembling on the inside, she walked to her spot in front of the microphone, closing her eyes as he began the familiar melody.

In the back of her mind, she was remembering him. Remembering his quirks…the way he tied his tie…the way his lips felt against her neck…his arms around her waist, on her shoulders, pulling her closer…and then the song started up for real, her eyes opened, and the memories slipped away.

_Goodbye love...  
The shadows climb the wall  
The door is closing, now on to  
Something more_

So what if she couldn't be happy without him? So what if everything seemed duller, like washed-out water colours? So what if she would cry herself to sleep – when she did sleep – because he wasn't there?

_And goodbye love  
A whisper down the hall  
The wind that's all  
You still don't call_

She would move on, she would grow out of it, she would make a new life – here or elsewhere – if she had to. But she had to let him go, first. She had to forget his voice, his scent, his smile, his touch, his lips, his eyes, his love…everything.

_Maybe I'll drink too much  
Try not to think too much  
And lie awake each night until  
The dawn  
_

It wasn't as if she was alone. She had Gren; he would take care of her whether she wanted him to or not anyway, so what did it matter? Of course – it wouldn't be Spike.

_Goodbye love  
We hardly ever flew  
But I'll remember  
At least forever  
The time of love and you_

There were tears slipping softly down her cheeks as the last echoes of the saxophone died. She heard Gren set it in its case before his arms wrapped around her and he tried to lead her off the stage, but she shook her head and pulled out of his embrace.

"I'm okay, really…"

"You're crying, Julia," he whispered, brushing a tear from her cheek. She leaned into his touch for a moment, and then pulled away again, wiping her eyes before addressing her audience.

"Does anyone have a request?" The question was met with considerable muttering amongst the listeners. Knowing it would take them a few minutes – and at least one fight – to decide, she got a drink from the bar and sat down in her stool – the only empty seat in the entire place.

Suddenly, the talking all around her stopped. The 'unimportant' man in the back had stood up, rearranging his hood so the shadow still fell across his face. Julia frowned – everything about him was familiar: his stance, his walk, the movement of his hands…but she couldn't place him, and she couldn't see his face. He went over to Gren – her eyes kept slipping off him, it was so easy to forget he was there; but that had to be what he wanted – and whispered something to him. He received a nod in response and returned to his seat. The muttering returned as everyone forgot his existence, and Gren went to Julia's side.

"What was that about?"

"Oh…he has a request. You know 'Love Song,' don't you?"

She frowned again for a moment before answering. "Yeah…I think I remember it. I don't think anyone will object."

"I don't think anyone _can_ object."

She laughed in response and resumed her position on the stage. Her eyes were drawn to the man in the cloak now, even though he still seemed to wish no one would concentrate on him for too long. He seemed so familiar…she would figure it out before he left, she decided. She definitely knew him…but who could he be?

_Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am home again   
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am whole again_

The way he sat, staring at her as she sang, was only slightly annoying. It didn't compare to the annoyance of being unable to recall his name, or where she had seen him before, or even why he was so familiar.

_Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am young again   
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am fun again_

And then there was the song he had chosen. She liked this song; she used to sing it to herself before…before she left…before things changed. Was it pure coincidence that he had picked this particular song? Or had he done it on purpose?

_However far away  
I will always love you  
However long I stay  
I will always love you  
Whatever words I say  
I will always love you  
I will always love you_

Maybe he wanted her to remember him, wanted her to know who he was. It was a possibility…she had managed to focus on him this long, he had to know who _she_ was…but who was he?

_Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am free again   
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am clean again_

Had there been someone else who would have heard her sing this song? No, there hadn't been. Unless it was…but no, he wouldn't have been able to find her this quickly…would he?

_However far away  
I will always love you  
However long I stay  
I will always love you  
Whatever words I say  
I will always love you  
I will always love you_

She bowed slightly to her audience, her mind already focused on other, more important things than the cloaked man hiding in the back of the room. Gren packed up his saxophone and caught her hand, leading her outside, where her thoughts came back to her. She had let go, she only had to forget. But she didn't think she could ever forget Spike, not really…she loved him far too much for that to ever happen.

Julia was jolted out of her thoughts when Gren's arm stopped her in her path. Looking up, she saw the man in the cloak standing in front of them, barring their way. The wind ruffled his hood just enough to show the malicious smile on his lips. Gren's eyes narrowed and she covertly reached into her coat where she kept her gun – but it wasn't there, because she didn't wear it anymore.

The man seemed to find this funny, chuckling as her eyes widened in shock. It wasn't that she didn't trust Gren, but if they got in a fight no one would help them, and Callisto was definitely not a place where you wanted to get hurt. The wind raged down the road again, harder this time, sending a shiver up her spine and blowing the man's hood off. Fear replaced any other emotion in her eyes as she looked at the dark, joyless smile on the man's face.

"Vicious…"

O.o o.O

Fade: There you have it, folks. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review (or comment, whichever). Until next chapter, farewell!


End file.
